Jokes 1

On a diving holiday we asked why you must fall backwards into the water.

The guide said "Because if you go forward, you'll land in the boat".

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

World's Shortest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after.

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast:

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.'

Terry was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty quid" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them - it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife" Terry answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry" says the policeman, "I didn't know."

"Well," Terry says, "neither did I until you shone that light in her face."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"

Husband says "that's not true....... Sometimes I want a kebab"

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says 'I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a moment?'

The woman says 'sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?'

'Not a clue' he says 'but whenever I talk to a woman as sexy as you she appears out of nowhere!'


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